and the one time he doesn't jon is here for only one reason. that reason is to find a book he's been interested in, nothing else, nothing to do with cute guys who work at bookstores. not like he's been thinking of this stranger for no reason — wondering how old he is, what kind of books he likes to read, if he's got a girlfriend or if he's interested in other kinds of nighttime partners. he comes back at around the same time and wanders through the shelves pretending he's curious about topics like rustic cooking recipes and joseon dynasty textiles. three times by now a worker's asked him if he needs help with anything. each time it isn't him, and jon hides his disappointment with easy, charming, smiles and some vague answer about how he's only perusing. he remembers how he looks — it was less than a week ago, but he thinks the memory might fade the more he looks at old book spines. handsome, tall, cute in a way that reminds jon of a bear or a dinosaur. he'd ask him out to coffee first. something simple and low pressure — his intentions aren't nearly as pure, but something about him makes jon hesitate to be too terribly explicit off the bat. something that makes him a little nervous himself. jon. nervous. he's been here for almost half a hour and maybe it's time to give up — he feels obvious, as if everyone around can see what he's trying to do. reverse stalking his stalker, he jokes to himself but it's pointless without anyone around to hear it and laugh. the good news is jon finds the book he's looking for. the not as good news is that the mystery worker is nowhere to be found and jon has enough shame as he slinks out the store to think that the third time was not the charm. any further and he might actually turn into a stalker creep. maybe there are some forces out there in the universe telling him something for once. maybe it's just not meant to be.
"what about this place?" theo shows him the apartment website on his phone and the bright glare has jon squinting his eyes. "skyview terrace. i don't know, you sure you wanna live in itaewon? all the expats go there. not really the best neighborhood." jon's eyes go back to his laptop and all the listings he's browsing through. nicer places — not in gangnam, but better than itaewon. good place to go clubbing. not really a good place to live. "hey — what about this one? rent is about the same as skyview." jon shows him a different place, one closer to where they're both going to work, and judging by the nod of approval that theo gives him it's a winner. "maybe we'll have some cute neighbors," jon jibes with a suggestive look in his eyes, as always, and he laughs off the look theo gives in response. typical jon, thinking with his dick instead of his head. their time there will be temporary, but he thinks he wouldn't mind having an attractive neighbor to admire whenever they pass in the hallway — the room across from his would be ideal. a nice fantasy, but jon shakes it off. "so no skyview?" theo asks to double check as he hovers a finger over that tiny x, waiting to close it. jon hesitates. he's not sure why, but he ignores the strange, senseless, tug in his stomach, and nods.
responsible boyfriends don't talk to other guys they feel fluttering little butterflies for. responsible boyfriends reign themselves in, communicate what's going on to their partner, and cut ties if need be. jon wants to be a responsible boyfriend, but it's so terribly hard. dae is incredibly easy to talk to. clever, sweet, as refreshing as a glass of water to his parched throat, as comforting as a bed to crawl into at the end of a long day. dae calms him down and listens in a way no one has before — to who jon is, instead of who he wants him to be. mature, levelheaded, older in a way that lets jon escape petty fights and immature quarrels. but jon knows what he's doing is wrong. clearly knows. one of his coworkers sobbed in the breakroom about their boyfriend cheating — he didn't actually go out and sleep with another woman, but he liked her. wanted her, talked to her, confided in her and partook in some thinly veiled flirting. emotional cheating, she called it. jon isn't a cheater — at least he doesn't mean to be, prides himself on being loyal, but when he thinks back to the texts sitting on his phone he pales. kyungjae's cute. the sex is good, conversations fun, and jon knows it's not meant to last. he'll make it so that it's not meant to last — but he thinks he has some decency inside of him not to break the poor boy's heart more than it needs to be broken when he leaves korea. he's not, well. jon doesn't love him. but he's not looking for love here and as much as the thought of dae with someone else twists at his gut — that's a possible reality he'll have to accept. jon could break up with kyungjae but he doesn't even know what this almost but not quite thing with dae is — if there even is a thing in the first place. yeah, dae did kiss him on his birthday and offer his mouth but jon's done that for complete strangers. dae's hard to read. might not even like him in that way, might have a different person he'd like kiss instead, and jon's not about to risk their friendship for his dick's urges. no, he'll have to be better. he'll avoid topics and stop flirting the way he does whenever dae's around. he'll keep his eyes to himself and support whomever else floats around in dae's life, like how a good friend does. he'll talk less. pull himself away slowly so it doesn't hurt too much — dae might not even notice. as if testing him, his phone buzzes and jon's heart rises and sinks all at the same time. rises, because it's dae. sinks, because a part of him knows his first wish was for it to be him and not the person he's actually dating. it's makes something inside his chest sting in shame but jon puts his phone away without responding. time to be a responsible boyfriend. the red string wrapped around jon's ring finger has an edge of raw pink, but the tattoo artist says that'll fade once it's healed up. jon raises his finger up so he can eye it up close and marvels at how permanent it looks. all tattoos being permanent — but still. it's a thin one, delicate, a slightly curved line of bright red right with a small knot where a ring would rest above his knuckle. jon doesn't believe in things like fate, karma, destiny and all that vague, romantic, stuff. he does believe in concrete reality. he believes in love, and soulmates. most of all, he believes in dae and if this red string exists — if it really, genuinely, does. he knows theirs would be connected. "look at us." the amused smile on jon's face turns to something tender as he places his hand next to dae's and compares them. his fingers are thinner compared to dae's, palms less broad, but not slender either. their hands fit together well and jon is careful as he laces fingers together so not to disturb the special wrap pulled taut around their skin. "disgusting," he says with soft affection. they only have a brief moment alone but jon uses it well. lines up their foreheads, noses, mouths, breathing dae in and basking in his warmth. he knows what other people would say for any relationship, getting matching tattoos after how many months of dating — 180 days, to be exact. jon keeps count. it's crazy. they're crazy, foolish, idiotic even and jon knows how it looks. but he doesn't care how it looks, hasn't cared from the start about all the reasons why others would say they shouldn't be together. all the people hurt in the process. if this is selfish, he doesn't care. he wants to be selfish. he'd get on one knee and propose right then and there if he needed to. he'd bet his life on the solidity of his love. he tries to kiss dae's face one hundred and eighty times to commemerate but now is not the time and the sweet way dae tells him so, the way he smiles when jon kisses the corners of his eyes and the ripe plush of his mouth, he knows he won't ever regret it. not once. what if you break up? well, jon would say, first of all that question doesn't matter because they won't. they simply won't. and if they do, if he loses him somehow, it'll be a reminder of the best time of his life. crazily, stupidly, in love. and if this is what being crazy's like — he wants to stay crazy for the rest of his senile days.
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